It’s January 3rd, 2022, and I can barely wrap my brain around the terrifying notion that time keeps on slipping into the future. The vastness of time and space is too incomprehensible for most, but if people could just try and think about it for a few moments, then maybe the problems of the world would sort themselves out just a little easier.
Oh yeah, this writeup is going to be a total buck-shot of random thoughts I unload from my head, but I promise you that this will actually be a fairly positive update on my life.
I want to touch base on my new job, ongoing projects, personal goals, and the poetic irony of being a sentient being existing in this specific space.
So in November shortly after my Starsky and Hutch blog post, I landed a job as a web developer for a local company. It pays a living wage, benefits, 401k, paid lunch, and allows me to gain valuable technical experience in development.
No, it’s not a game design or developer position, but holy shit I am so happy. I feel like I’m pretty good at articulating my words in text, but text truly does not convey the happiness I have to finally land something relevant and rewarding. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.
It was probably around October of 2017 on a warm Philadelphia morning, where I had just spent the night with this fantastic woman leagues above me, and I woke up in a short moment of clarity. It was almost a moment of clairvoyance, as I looked at a tattoo on her back, and thought to myself, “I’m taking a mental note of this in my head, because I have a feeling it’s going to be hard for me after college.”
Not necessarily me thinking that I had “peaked”, but morso a moment of self awareness of just how good I had it in that moment, relaxing in my own Philly apartment, and knowing the journey ahead would be tough.
Christ, let me tell you, it took me until November of 2021 to land a full-time job somewhat relevant to my background, and the journey has been hell.
I had no idea how strong I could be, because quite frankly there were some moments when I thought I was going to opt out. The human will to keep going is almost astounding to a fault. I can’t believe I kept pushing and pushing for so many years after graduating.
I had spent many great months with that woman in college, and we still share a few words on occasion. Coming back home after graduating just sort of forced me apart from a lot of great connections I had down in Philly.
However, here I am, in 2022, and feeling like I could lay waste to civilizations. I feel like a mushroom cloud laying motherfucker. I feel like I could rip a dimensional hole to the gates of hell, and punch Satan in the fucking mouth.
I did it. I have a pretty decent job, and enough anger to keep me plowing towards my goals.
Paying down my student debts, and hopefully paying them halfway down is my goal by the end of 2022.
My Facebook contract was extended until December of 2022.
I also want to save up for a 6 speed Challenger. I love classic cars, but I am sick of driving old junk because I was poor. No more.
Additionally, I plan on continuing development of my Driver inspired game into 2022, and maybe dabble into a few other things.
You see, having a full-time job has made me feel a lot less guilty about everything. I feel like I can sit and write this blog post without feeling like I should be working on something else. I can work on my fun retro game hobbies or drawing without feeling like I’m wasting valuable time that should be poured into my career.
Hell, even game dev now feels like a fun activity again, and less like a chore.
My Driver inspired 70s action-car-chase game is my main goal, but I also want to build a homebrew game for the Atari 8-bit computer, potentially. I’m thinking of some sort of horror style beat-em-up, ala Splatterhouse. I’m trying to research just how far I could push the system, and some good beat-em-ups or horror games of the system.
I think most importantly for me, is to lose weight, and get back to a size I am happy with. I let myself go due to the stress and anxiety of finding work, and now I am facing the consequences of it. I don’t fit in any of my favorite clothes. I feel like I’m exploding out of everything like a fat fucking cow, and I can’t stand it. I need to do it for me, for my future, and my disaster of a current love life haha.
I really can’t thank my good friends and my family for the love and support throughout this crazy journey we call life. Christ, I’m 25 years old, and I still can’t comprehend the idea of living. I think, therefore I am, but to who’s definition? I am what? A meat bag made of star dust with some sentience, who is so feeble, I could trip on a rock wrong, and accidentally die lol. I could have an aneurysm right now and croak. We are so unimaginably feeble, and the idea that I exist, in this moment in time, on this planet, never ceases to make me humble.
I hate how we as a society are still fighting about a living wage and human decency in this day in age. We should be a utopia. I should be sitting around all day, being the next great philosopher, not hypothetically beg the fucking dirtbag manager at a Target to pay me so I’m not fucking homeless. What the hell went wrong? Why are humans who are in charge so morally bankrupt and selfish?
These are the open ended questions that plague me now, because I HAVE A FULLTIME JOB AND CAN THINK ABOUT THOSE QUESTIONS.
I would never wish what I had to go through on anyone. I wouldn’t wish the broken family, the abusive mom’s boyfriends, the drug addicted sister, the heart problems, the clinically diagnosed anxiety, the poverty, or the drunken racist father on anyone.
My suffering does not need to be a plague for others, but I do just ask for some introspective into the privileges we all have.
I want to lift everyone up. Even at my new job, I don’t cry about my taxes being taken out, I get angry about my taxes being wasted on a bloated military or corporate bailouts. I want healthcare for all, affordable college, livable wages, and people who aren’t afraid to stand up to the evils of this world anymore.
I want everyone to be their own mushroom cloud laying motherfucker. I want the world to work for us all, not just a select few.
I am angry-motivated. I am so fucking angry, but entering 2022, I have a hint of optimism. People are waking up, and my late night lunatic rantings I would blog about a few years ago finally are coming to fruition.
I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I told you so. I knew things would fall apart, but instead of rubbing it in everyone’s face, I want everyone to come out of this hellscape stronger.
Featured picture is my “Tooned” 88 Cadillac Eldorado, inspired by automotive artists, George Trosley, and Ed Roth.
