This blog post isn’t going to be on any topic in particular, but rather a life update and public diary.
I have officially been at my developer job for over one year, and received the largest first-year raise they have ever given any employee. We both knew I came in under paid, but we knew I had to prove myself in the position before demanding anything more. Welp, I knocked it out of the park, with a glowing review, and a fantastic 10k raise.
I should feel so proud of myself, and god dammit, I was, but the entire situation is still surreal to me. Only back in 2021 at this time, I was ready to eat a bullet, and here I am 2 years later, kicking ass, and taking names. I was never “just talk”, and I just needed the right opportunity to finally shine.
However, I am a realist, and I’ve been struggling with some things. My loans went from $880 a month to $953 dollars of fist-fucking nonsense.
When people fight for student loan forgiveness, it is this blatant extortion, not some kid with six figures in debt from a “basket weaving” degree, as the boomers say.
So one of my variable interest rate loans went up over 70 dollars because of the feds’ attempt to slow down inflation, despite inflation being a myth perpetuated by corporations posting record profits over the pandemic.
The plans to lower my rate have been met with failure, but I’m starting to try again in March. If any old Drexel professors want to start a fundraiser to break me of my shackles, I won’t say no.
My financial goal is to get a home mortgage by 2024, so I’m not fucking around here.
My debt is so bad, I’ve been contemplating looking for a higher paying gig as soon as I get my 2 years experience at UPC, but I really don’t want to. I love my job, and I understand business loyalty is foolish, but these folks are genuinely good people. Like if the world was filled with more business owners like this, the world wouldn’t be the imploding dystopian mess that it is.
I want to make 6 figures by 30, just because you can’t even really live off of anything else these days, so I’m just grinding for a comfortable living. I wish I could leave this hellscape country to go somewhere with universal healthcare too.
That is a perfect segway into a more personal matter that has been plaguing me. Yes, I consider my career and financial situation NOT personal. The more people talk about it, the more we unite to fight for a better standard of living in this country. France is literally protesting because the retirement may get raised 2 years. Meanwhile we’re a bunch of boot licking corporate slaves, and wear it as a badge of honor.
Anyway I digress, the real topic is my weight. In August of 2021, I weighed 270lbs at 6ft. Now, I carried the weight alright for my build, but I was still like 40-50lbs overweight, and my doctor wanted me down to 220. Well, as of January of 2023, I weighted 295 fucking pounds! Somehow getting a good job, and working out since August of 2022, I still gained 24 pounds!
I was disgusted in myself, and nothing fits right. I was so discouraged going to the gym at least 3 times per week since last August, and I’m this giant fat cow.
Well, I believe it’s the anti-depressant, Lexapro, that caused the gain. I have made the toughest decision of my life to get off of it, and I spend all of February weaning off of it.
I love how I felt on this anti-anxiety med. I still felt like me. I still had my edge, my wit, my creativity, and my unending desire to burn the system down to the ground. Yet, is being anxiety free worth morbid obesity? I can’t do it. I don’t want to be fat and alone.
I’m in a much better place in my life than 2 years ago, the pandemic is “over”, and I think I can get through this without medication.
I’ll be honest though, I’m pretty scared. I don’t want to go back to being this anxiety ridden mess, but I also feel like a skinny person trapped in a fat guy’s body. This is my curse, and it stems from living off of processed junk food growing up, because my single mom worked during the day.
As I write this, I am three days med free after slowly lowering my dosage. I feel a bit of anxiety, but nothing really worth panicking over. The real kicker has been my irritability and anger. Sure, my stuff may come off angry all the time, but I’ve been very level headed the past few years. However, getting off of this has made me literally want to strangle people. The road rage knee-jerk reactions have increased exponentially. I literally want to scream at my mom and my family. Granted, we all need a little constructive refocusing, but this is just unfocused vitriol that wants to pour out.
I had no idea how much anxiety could affect anger and irritability in me, and it’s all the more reason to continue the gym.
I have been lifting for over a month and half now, and while everything still hurts, and getting off the med has made me fatigued, my strength has definitely improved, and visually I’m carrying myself much better.
I haven’t really noticed any memory issues, focusing issues, or confusion. I’ve seen that listed as a side effect of getting off Lexapro, but perhaps the weaning held off on some of those aspects?
I’ve noticed very lucid dreams since getting off of this too. Which is funny, because I had some really wild dreams getting on Lexapro too.
It’s crazy how a serotonin reuptake medication changes brain chemistry so much. I feel like a walking lab rat at times.
To wrap that whole topic up, I pray to the flying spaghetti monster that I get this weight off. I hope getting off of Lexapro allows me to shed this fat off, and lifting provides me with enough ground work to keep it off permanently.
Anxiety be damned, I’m doing this. I will not let some imbalanced serotonin ruin my life. I won’t let student debt or the state of this shithole country ruin my life either.
I heard a saying recently; “I’d rather die standing, than live kneeling”. I really took that to heart, and I think it applies to all facets of life. I’d rather die trying to be the Brandon I want to be, than live some sort of compromised existence for comfort.
On a more lighthearted note, I got my first tattoo finally, after careful deliberation. I got the “curse of thorn” from Halloween 6, which is an ancient germanic rune. I wanted something simple and subtle to dip my toe into tattoos..
Secondly I’m excited for spring to arrive, so I can finally start doing car things again. I have custom coilovers I built for the Cadillac, and I still have tires and wheels for the C10.
The Interceptor I got has been a blast too, and I’m so happy I was finally able to afford a newer car.
Lastly, my desktop is updated and ready to start my new game project, er well remaking my old game, Criminal Mischief.
It’s a retro inspired RC racing game, but this new iteration will use higher fidelity and toon shaders to achieve the look I want. I also have a little money to commission people too!
So I have to keep dedicated to two things. My weight loss/fitness journey, and a game. Then secondly comes refinancing loans, and doing fun car stuff.
I actually have a few fun nerd topics I’d like to write about soon, including Ghostbusters and Transformers. I don’t mind a personal blog and political rant every once in a while, but the real fun comes from these topical deep dives with things I hold dear to me.
Paint It Black,
Brandon
